“To Be, or Not To Be...With Someone”

c. 2019 Cheryl Kelly

All rights reserved

(3-19)

Starting over, no matter the subject, is one of the single most difficult things to do in life. Whether you find yourself in the midst of a motivated comeback from a failure, trying to recover and heal from some kind of loss, or simply attempting to redirect yourself into improvement, starting over can be a daunting and often times, fear provoking task. No one likes to admit or accept that they have failed, even if the failure is not completely theirs to own. And change does not come easy to most. Learning to adapt to change and live outside of one’s comfort zone that they have built for themselves over time can be a tall order. A tall order, yes, but not unreachable.

I will use myself as an example. After a 12 year failed marriage and another lengthy, failed relationship after that, I had convinced myself that perhaps I was just meant to be alone. Perhaps, this relationship thing was not for everyone. After having my heart returned to me in pieces more than once, I was not about to risk what little I had left to another. I was absolutely content, or perhaps resigned is a better word, with the thought that I would be flying solo. The thought of starting all over again, trying to connect with someone new was just not an option for me; I was done.

Having struggled in my last relationship for the last 2 years of it trying to find and give forgiveness, it was clear to me that it was time to move in a different direction. I was alone again, and to be honest, I was okay with it. The stress slowly lessened, the constant arguments were gone, and the feelings of inadequacy lingered, but were not all-consuming. The bitterness I felt, and still feel at times, I was learning to process in a productive way. I threw myself into my work and spent time with family and friends to navigate the emptiness that at times reared it’s ugly head. However, after some time, even though those were convenient replacements, they did not fill the void I often times felt, and this bothered me.

Priding myself on my independence, it was a harsh reality to swallow. The fact that I do need someone else; that I do miss having a partner to share even the most mundane tasks; such as enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning at the kitchen table or sharing a pizza and a movie on a Friday night. I would, after all, prefer the presence of another human being in my life, on an intimate level, to feel the best parts of me. Now before all you other independents rise up in revolt, please understand that I am not equating my needs and desires for a relationship with a general comment of one’s inability to find internal, independent happiness with oneself. I am not downplaying the importance of the thought that true happiness starts from within and should not be dependent on another person, place or thing. What I am saying is that for me, I feel my best happiness when I can share with another.

Human beings, by nature, require the interaction of others. Human touch and companionship have been shown to not only aid in healing, but also nurturing and growing. Total isolation is very damaging to the human soul not to mention the negative effects it can have on the physical body. What differs from person to person is the amount of interaction that they need to feel fulfilled. For some, it resembles an intimate relationship sharing not only time, but space as well, and for others it’s more casual with the need for alone time slightly outweighing the need for interaction. And then there are those of us, like me, who prefer a nice balance; the company of someone to share with, but also the alone time required to ensure that the best parts of me are nurtured equally.

To be, or not to be with someone...that is the question. And like everything in life, one size does not fit all. The need for relationships differ from person to person and from situation to situation, and not all relationships fall neatly into one definition. In the end, we all need somebody, some form of interaction, to some extent, to be well; to be the best versions of ourselves. Sometimes, along the way, we choose poorly and find out through heartache that we should have chosen differently. But then there are those other times, those moments we get lucky and connect with someone on a level where the best parts of us shine bright. And even if those relationships come to an end at some point in our lives, the takeaway is invaluable and we are better for them. So nurture yourself; start over when you need to, make that change or choose to be with someone, because you may just be that person that is making that someone shine.

Editor’s Note: I could not have expressed this more eloquently. Even for those of us who are independent in spirit, there is a natural inclination toward bonding with another on some level. Relationship failure may increase the fear but does not decrease the need.