Nobody Reads This Page – “Happy Meal”

 

c. 2024 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(6-24)

 

 

I have written here before about helping my friend Janis, a person who I met while working as a manager in Geneva, at that northeastern city’s Giant Eagle location. Our friendship began with shared meals of Chinese food, and inexplicably blossomed over the past 15 years. When health issues impacted her life, with a heart attack and three strokes, I became an unofficial guardian of sorts. I took her to doctor appointments, helped her meet with a lawyer, and eventually filed claims on her behalf. I set up accounts online and kept files of pertinent information with my own personal paperwork. All of this reminded me of doing similar chores for my late parents, who lived out of state. Somehow, despite trying to stay below the visible horizon, I seemed to have developed great appeal as an aide and confidant for those in need.

 

It was a tag I did not wear with great enthusiasm. Yet in the end, it brought me a sense of purpose. While thinking of this calling, I reflected on a description of author Jack Boyle’s ‘Boston Blackie,’ who was a character later portrayed in movies and television. The early 50’s Ziv version starring Kent Taylor had always been a particular favorite. A dramatic presentation of someone more stylish, suave, and clever than myself.

 

“Danger! Excitement! Adventure! Enemy to those who make him an enemy. Friend of those who have no friends. Yes sir, that’s Boston Blackie! And he’s quite a guy!”

 

Most recently, my needy friend in Ashtabula called to report that a medical procedure had been scheduled for the following day. I guessed that she wanted to offer relevant details of this necessary event. But before I could ask questions, or ponder what was about to transpire, she shifted gears in our conversation.

 

“One of the old guys here at my nursing home said that I seem to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal! That’s freaking funny, right? And mostly true, I’m a cracked egg. Do you think there’s a T-shirt with that saying? I need it to go with the ‘Scoundrel’ one you bought online!”

 

I had to clear my throat. This dodge of serious details caught me unprepared.

 

“Happy Meal? What? You were just talking about having an IVC filter removed...”

 

She snorted and huffed at the phone. Its screen was cracked and scarred from having been dropped on the floor, and bounced into the bowl of a facility commode.

 

“BORING! I DON’T CARE ABOUT ALL THAT CRAP! THEY SAID I’LL GO TO SLEEP FOR A LITTLE BIT, AND WAKE UP WHEN THEY’RE FINISHED SCREWING AROUND WITH MY PIPES!”

 

My pulse had begun to quicken. I found a hand towel to wipe away sweat, while thinking of a reply.

 

“This is serious, you know! They placed the filter in your body before a previous operation, a few years ago. For whatever reason, they never removed it until now. But apparently that gave you extra protection. Which you needed because you wouldn’t take care of yourself. You went right on chain-smoking, and existing on a diet of canned spaghetti, cheese popcorn, and candy...”

 

Janis howled like a she-wolf prowling the forest at night.

 

“HOO BOY, HERE WE GO AGAIN! YOU ALWAYS GET ALL MOODY ON ME, RODBERT! QUIT BEING SUCH A POOPHEAD! I’M NOT EATING KALE SALADS OR RICE CAKES LIKE A SKINNY LITTLE BITCH! AND I LOVE TO SMOKE! IT KEEPS ME FROM KILLING SOMEBODY IN HERE!”

 

I shuddered at her choice of words.

 

“Come on now, you’re not a violent person. Actually, you’ve socialized well in that environment. I’m really proud of your survival instincts. As they say, ‘bloom where you are planted.’ And you are doing that, my friend! Spreading those petals wide...”

 

She honked as if blowing her nose without a handkerchief. I imagined her lazily lounging in the activity room, still wearing her pajamas.

 

“DAMMIT, YOU SOUND LIKE GRANNY! SHE ALWAYS BABIED ME, EVEN WHEN I WAS A GROWN-ASS WOMAN! DON’T EFF WITH ME, I’M NOT A DELICATE FLOWER! STICK THAT ATTITUDE UP YOUR BUTT!”

 

Her rough verbalization made me sigh and rub my face.

 

“What you received at University Hospitals downtown is called an ‘Inferior Vena Cava Filter.’ You got the removal version, for temporary duty. An optionally retrievable solution...”

 

My cohort by Lake Erie wheezed and whined while listening.

 

“BORING, I SAID! BOOOOOORING! WHAT ABOUT THAT T-SHIRT? CAN YOU FIND IT AT ONE OF THOSE ONLINE STORES, RODBERT? I WANT ONE RIGHT NOW! I CAN ALWAYS USE MORE CLOTHES, THEY KEEP LOSING MY STUFF!”

 

I tried to make an excuse that sounded plausible.

 

“Well, I just finished my morning coffee. I need to take a shower, and do some writing. Maybe later when I’m searching for story information in the home office...”

 

She was too aware of my habits for this feeble fib to ring true.

 

“I KNOW YOU’RE SITTING RIGHT THERE AT YOUR COMPUTER, BRUH! GEEZ DUDE, GET A GRIP! TYPE ON YOUR KEYBOARD AND SEE WHAT COMES UP! QUIT STALLING LIKE A GAWDAMM OLD FART WAITING AT A TRAFFIC LIGHT!”

 

Suddenly, my lungs felt empty. I couldn’t catch my breath.

 

“Umm... yes I am... sitting here... at my desk...”

 

“OF COURSE YOU ARE, RODBERT! OF FREAKING COURSE YOU ARE! YOU DO IT EVERY MORNING ABOUT THE TIME I CALL! GET A CLUE ALREADY!”

 

My fingers fumbled over the keys, as if moved by the energy in her voice, alone.

 

“Look, I’ll find the shirt somewhere, but we really ought to plan for what happens if there’s an issue with your hospital visit in the morning. You never quite know what to expect with any kind of invasive procedure. There is a risk involved with any operation, no matter how slight or seemingly insignificant...”

 

Janis began to bray like a mule. She had run out of patience for my doting observations.

 

“HAW HAW HAW! YOU SOUND LIKE GRANNY AGAIN, RODBERT! STOP IT, OKAY? STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! I TOOK ENOUGH OF THAT GROWING UP BY THE LAKE! ALWAYS WORRYING AND COMPLAINING AND TRYING TO MAKE ME BEHAVE! I NEVER, EVER BEHAVE, YOU KNOW? NEVER EVER! NEVER!”

 

She slammed her cellular device on the tabletop. What was left of its screen shattered into jagged pieces. The resulting noise buzzed in my ear like a miscreant bee. I had to sit still for a moment until the sound quit reverberating.

 

“Yes, I know you never behave. I know it very, very well...”