Nobody Reads This Page – “News Overload”

 

c. 2024 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(7-24)

 

 

Morning at the Icehouse began with overcast skies that left my kitchen oddly dark, as I was making coffee. For two nights I had been up late, on the front porch, and reconnecting with old friends via my cell phone. The first of these calls ran until about four o’clock, long after I should have been in bed. The second was more brief, just an after-dark chat which ended before midnight. Yet with a feeling of renewed vigor, I kept going. Aimlessly scrolling and searching and messaging while everyone else was fast asleep.

 

Thankfully, several rounds of caffeine blasted me out of a funk, as the new day arrived.

 

I was still groggy while clicking through channels on my television. News stories blared details of war and conflict, and political machinations, while I clutched at my stomach. I tried different networks but every avenue was full of punditry, protests and mayhem. The overload gave me a feeling of burn-out. Finally, I looked for the YouTube app and brought up a review by Bill from Curious Cars. He had landed a 1991 Cadillac Brougham d’Elegance. A stately, stoic vehicle in the American tradition of yesteryear luxury. This motorcar fix was exactly what I needed to relax.

 

Watching him roam around his land yacht with a Go-Pro camera eased my tense mood. Eventually, I forgot about the chaos of real-world conditions. My toast and wake-up juice worked their magic. Then, the phone rang as I was getting ready to take a shower.

 

Janis, my friend who now lives at a skilled-care facility in Ashtabula, seemed happy when I answered quickly. Her voice sounded strong and cheerful. I guessed that she would relate details of her breakfast and perhaps, an outside session spent enjoying a moment of cool comfort on their patio. But instead, she began to complain.

 

“I GOTTA PEE! DAMMIT! I GOTTA PEE!”

 

I nearly dropped my wireless device.

 

“What the heck, if you really needed a potty break, then why did you call first?”

 

She seemed to think that the question was ridiculous.

 

“I don’t know! Doesn’t coffee make you want to take a piss? Geez Rodbert! You’re always such a crabass in the morning! I bet it’s because you sit there watching the icky news!”

 

My jaw drooped as I sat back in the chair, battling disbelief.

 

 “As a matter of fact, I turned off that data-stream, today. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I’ve been catching up with old friends lately, and all they wanted to blab about was the sorry state of world affairs. Both declared that our way of life was in peril, for differing reasons. Each had convinced themselves that liberty and democracy were headed out the window, unless I joined their causes. You know, became a member of their philosophical tribe. I’ve never been a joiner. Never been a volunteer...”

 

My substitute soulmate cackled and rapped her fingers on the lunchroom table.

 

“Shitttt, I’ve never voted before. Have you? I suppose it’s one of those things that old people take seriously. I remember that my granny talked about voting. I think she voted for Kennedy, damn, that was before I got borned. She went to church too, some kind of methodist bunch, I think. They had picnics by the lake. That was the only part I liked. Who does that stuff now? Bored, geeky people like you?”

 

My face burned with embarrassment.

 

“Look, I don’t think there’s an age factor involved. Good citizenship should be for everybody...”

 

Janis snorted as if she wanted to blow her nose.

 

“DAMMIT, I GOTTA PEE!”

 

My pulse started to pound like a jackhammer.

 

“You said that before, go relieve yourself and call me back later!”

 

Somehow, there was a mental disconnect at work. I imagined her sitting stiffly with both legs crossed, cursing her predicament. Before long, she would be perched in a puddle. Yet I couldn’t make her brain cells link up to take action. She needed to figure it out on her own. An edgy quality swelled her voice as she kept talking.

 

“There’s a lady here named Gretel, can you believe it? What a bitch, she bummed smokes off of me yesterday, and then had a coughing fit. The nurses blamed me for sharing my stash! I won’t ever do anything nice for her again! She can kiss my fat ass!”

 

I laughed and shook my head in disagreement.

 

“You don’t have much of a booty, Ms. Mays. Trust me, that’s why your pants are always falling down. I remember your roomie joking about that! You need suspenders! Or a rope like Elly May Clampett...”

 

My friend did not get the pop-culture reference.

 

“WHO THE EFF IS THAT? SHE WEARS A GAWDAMM ROPE TO HOLD UP HER JEANS?”

 

I had to clear my throat before continuing our conversation.

 

“Didn’t you ever watch the Beverly Hillbillies? I mean like, in reruns?”

 

Janis shrieked in my ear.

 

“I GOTTA PEE! I GOTTA PEE!”

 

By now, I guessed that she must be having painful spasms. I implored her to hang up and make a mad dash for the restroom.

 

“Get off the phone and do your business! I’ll be here for the rest of today. I’m not going anywhere! You can catch me later, it’s not an inconvenience. Quit acting like an ornery kid!”

 

She continued to ramble, instead of listening to the call of nature.

 

“Granny made me wear dresses to church, that was messed up, you know? They were pink and yellow and powder blue! With tights that made my legs feel hot! I never liked wearing a dress! She would curl my hair and tie it up with a ribbon! That really chapped my ass! What was I supposed to be, a freaking baby doll? I never played with dolls!”

 

I closed my eyes and slumped over the end table.

 

“If you have an accident, the aides will scold you. Go to the bathroom. Do it now!”

 

Janis hissed and giggled.

 

“You’re such a dick in the morning! I like you better after a few beers. You have a sense of humor then, I like drunk Rodbert! At least he doesn’t tell me what to do! He just passes out on his wooden bench!”

 

I shivered from thinking that someone at her nursing home might be eavesdropping.

 

“I’m not a drunk, okay? That’s an exaggeration. What I am is concerned about you...”

 

My unconventional counterpart stood up suddenly, as if a bolt of lightning had energized her brain. Finally, her network of cerebral synapses must have connected.

 

“I GOTTA PEE! TALK TO YOU LATER, RODBERT! BYE BYE!”

 

My phone returned to its home screen. I sat relishing the silence for a moment, while pondering that my coffee cup was completely empty.

 

I had survived the morning. Now, it was time to do something productive. Like, start a load of laundry.