“Should I Stay, or Should I Go…”

by Cheryl Kelly

(6-17)

The decision to work outside the home after having children is one of the most difficult choices a mother faces. I remember agonizing over it when I had my own sons and at times feeling so resentful that staying at home wasn’t an option for me. I think that it isn’t a far stretch to say that most mothers would love the opportunity to stay home while their children are young. The opportunity to not miss a thing as they grow and change is a golden one. However, there are a few of us who if given the choice would still choose to work; with stay-at-home Mom not being the title to aspire to and for some reason, that seems to spark debate and an often negative vibe.

As stated above, not all mothers have the choice to stay home. Whether it be financial or just their given home life situation, working is a necessity. As a working mother myself, my decision to work was made easier by the help I had from both mine and my husband’s family. I also had help from my employer. Having been a long-time employee when I had my children, I was given some flexibility that not all people have the privilege of getting at their workplace which allowed me to have more freedom with my schedule so I could be a bit more present. So, between family help and the ability to adjust my work schedule when needed, I was able to take care of my kids and work a much needed job to help take care of our growing family.

Having been among all kinds of women and mothers as my children have grown, I have had ample opportunity to observe and have come to the conclusion that working moms get a bad rap and very often unfair treatment. Frowned upon when late for an event because work held them up or a meeting ran later than expected, sneered at because they can’t donate their time for a concession stand at 4:00 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, and whispered about because they missed a good play by their kid at a baseball game that started before they could travel from work on one end of the county to the other end before the game started.

I remember a time when my oldest was having a little ceremony at elementary school for something and I volunteered to bring pop and cookies. Somewhere along the communication highway, I lost my way and instead of dropping it off that morning like I was instructed to, I brought it with me about a half hour before the event started. I went up to the head PTA mom in charge and proceeded to hand over my donation to which she turned up her nose and in the snottiest voice ever replied, “You were supposed to bring that by 9:00 am. We don’t need it anymore.” And then she promptly turned on her heel and left me standing with my hands full. Of course a gaggle of other “perfect mothers” were watching and murmuring in the background, like the beautiful white, satin swans at the pond that look down at the gray, rough Canadian geese when they fly in. I suddenly was rushed back to my younger self and that feeling you get when you are humiliated in front of others. It wasn’t pleasant. Now, I’d like to be able to tell you that I shoved those pop and cookies right up her, well, that I challenged her and called her out for being so incredibly rude, but unfortunately, that would be untrue. I took the goodies back home where my kids and I enjoyed.

I guess I wonder what happened to women supporting each other. It has been such a battle for women from the beginning, on every front, why on earth would we battle each other when we have other people and issues waiting in line to just tear us down? At what point did a life decision that is a personal choice and at times, not a choice, become something to beat each other up over? What makes you better than me because you have the privilege of staying home? Isn’t that privilege enough for you? Aren’t you grateful enough for that gift? Why try and take away something from me? I try hard not to judge people, I truly do. I work every day to try and remember that everyone has their own issues and I do my best not to intrude. It’s none of my business and Lord knows I have enough on my own plate to handle. But there are times when I just don’t understand. And for all you stay-at-home moms out there please know this is not meant to be judgmental, we are just different, and I can only speak from my own experience.

I have always worked outside the home and if given the opportunity to stay at home, I would be a mother who would continue to put her work clothes on and head out the door. That is my choice. For me, it’s just how I’m built. I need to have that outside stimulation, that adult interaction. My brain is one that craves learning and growth and I can’t picture myself being at home 24/7. I’m also a firm believer in my role to provide for my kids, and not only in the form of soft skills like love and compassion which I think are extremely important. It is to show my sons the importance of responsibility and contributing to the well-being of our family unit. It is showing them that strength and at times that vulnerability that is life. So as I listen to The Clash in my head singing “Should I Stay or Should I Go” (even though it doesn’t quite fit the subject matter), I choose to go, and if you choose to stay, own it, but don’t judge.