“He Said, She Said”

by Curvy Mermaid & Chubby Walrus

c. 2017 All Rights Reserved

(10-17)

Mermaid:

Relationships are the single most difficult challenge in life. Trying to understand and navigate the emotional bonds between humans is almost always an exercise in futility, especially if it’s between a man and a woman. We are inherently opposite, genetically developed to handle our specific roles in life, and just plain different. I absolutely marvel at those couples who can keep a relationship going for 20, 30, 40 plus years with the same person with neither of them ending up in jail. How do they do it? Having had my share of relationships, and not always being successful, I try to look back on those failures and analyze what went wrong. I can say with a great degree of certainty that the majority of the problems came down to communication, or lack thereof.

But how do you communicate with someone who thinks so differently, or who can look at the same exact situation that you are looking at, and see it in a completely different way? How is it possible that what is so clear in your head, is utterly unclear in theirs? And how do you handle that without alienating or destroying each other? These are just some of the questions that pop into my head, and if I had the answers, well, I suppose I wouldn’t be writing this article. Now some would say that it comes down to mutual respect. Respecting each other’s differences allows each of you to step out of your own head and just let things roll. Easier said than done at times I say. I happen to be a very respectful person and I definitely wave the individuality flag, but I think something happens when I get into a relationship. I think my flag gets tattered. There begins to be an expectation after a certain period of time that my partner should “know” me, and anticipate my thought and action process. Am I asking too much?

Now I’m not asking someone to cater to me. I’m asking for someone to listen, to make time to truly hear me and respond with thought. I can honestly say that I try my best to respect others and their thought process, especially when it differs from mine. There are times I will listen and learn and change my behavior and there are times I will listen, and make the call that there is no way I can swing the pendulum that far away from what I believe. But I am a firm believer in the fact that there are times when people just simply have to agree to disagree. Mutual respect for one another.

Trying to understand the opposite sex, however, is a whole new ballgame. Men and women just view things through different colored glasses. Men have a tendency to want to fix things for their partner. No doubt an inherent trait as the protector and provider. This creates problems for a woman like me who prides herself on her independence and not needing a rescuer. It becomes, through no intent on my behalf, an insult to some degree and a huge ego bruiser. Women, on the other hand, have a tendency to nurture, often times to their own detriment. Throw miscommunication and poor listening into the mix and you have trouble. A battle of He Said, She Said which can end up with neither one saying much of anything but Good Bye.

Walrus:

Years ago, I recall hearing marriage vows quoted on an episode of Norman Lear’s ‘All In The Family.’ The verse said something about “two trees, not growing in each other’s shadow.” I later realized this was a paraphrase of Khalil Gibran’s “The Prophet.” The poem spoke about union in marriage, but with the individuality of loving souls maintained. From the perspective of years that I have achieved (with two divorces) this concept now seems appealing and logical. Though I am sure that my younger self would not have agreed.

In my own experience, I have taken a more ‘new-age’ view of the dichotomy between men and women. My tendency has been to encourage personal growth and success. To foster the development of skills in my spouse that were waiting to be unleashed. This strategy has not always produced positive results, however. When that happened, I was confused.

If there is a ‘bottom line’ to having a relationship survive for 20, 30, or 40 plus years, it must be something else I remember being taught. “Marriage is work. Like having a job.”

In some cases, long-term employment of this type makes sense. The reward can be considerable. But not everyone wants to punch the time clock. Only the heart can decide whether it is better to say ‘goodbye’ or report for another day at the office.

In a battle of ‘He said, she said’ it is important to choose your words, and goals, carefully.