“The Casualties of Divorce”

by Cheryl Kelly

(10-17)

I had the unfortunate circumstance of having to attend a funeral for one of my ex’s family members. I was very fond of this woman who passed and it was a difficult situation I found myself in. She was a Great Aunt to my boys and very much a part of their lives and mine for a significant number of years while I was married. Even after my divorce, I had occasion to see her a handful of times and she was always very loving towards me. As I stood there watching the video that continuously played a role of pictures throughout her life, one picture came up showing her holding my eldest son when he was about two years old. The love that she had in her eyes, and seeing my son so little in her arms brought me to instant tears. Memories flooded my head and I had to take a step outside to collect myself.

I wasn’t outside too long before my youngest son stepped out to check on me. He had been there since the beginning of the calling hours with his father and his family. He looked so handsome in his dress pants, shirt and tie. He hugged me and asked if I was going to join everyone downstairs for a bite to eat. I hadn’t planned on staying. My ex was there with his new wife and her children and I didn’t feel quite comfortable. It was important for me to pay my respects and to let that family, who I once called my own for fifteen years, know that I cared and that I was there should there be anything I could do, but I have to admit that I did feel a bit out of place. My son insisted that there were people there who had asked if I was coming and who wanted to see me. After some persuading on his behalf I made my way back inside. I was a few steps inside the door when one of my ex’s other Aunts came barreling towards me with open arms. I saw her, and lost it again. Tears streaming on both our faces, we stood there embracing for what seemed like forever whispering to each other how much we have missed one another.

She held my hand as we walked down to the small lunchroom where others were gathered. I made a quick glance around the room and quickly made out who and where people were so I could avoid as much awkwardness as possible. I’m not sure what I truly expected, or what I thought was going to happen when I walked down those stairs, but I am so glad I did. I was able to, for however brief a time, reconnect and catch up with people who I hadn’t seen for years since my divorce. We talked, laughed and cried, and it felt so good to reminisce about the times we all shared together. Now I am fortunate in that the relationship I have with my ex is cordial, and I realize that this is not the case for everyone. We talk on a regular basis and raise our boys together and I have respect for that man as the father of my children. We do have our differences, hence why we are no longer married, and I do have bitterness and sadness toward him that I harbor, and perhaps always will, but it doesn’t cloud my judgment, nor keep me from being able to talk with him or be in the same room with him or work with him as needed to take care of the things we need to as parents. However, I did not pull up a chair next to him and his new wife and have a conversation.

After about forty five minutes, it was time for me to leave. There was going to be a private service for family and that was my cue to head out. I said my goodbyes and gave my sympathy to everyone and left with updated contact information in my phone and a promise to get together and keep in touch moving forward. My boys walked me to my car and I told them I would see them later in the evening. As I watched them walk back in I suddenly felt so alone. A rush of sadness and anger overtook me and I sat there sobbing in my car. The casualties of divorce are severe. Not only do you lose the companion you thought you were going to have for life, but you lose another family. People you grow to love and care for are suddenly gone in an instant. Relationships that grew over years of being together are disintegrated and you no longer exist, and in my case, you get replaced. How unfair to lose such beautiful people and to be replaced so easily; I raged inside my head. It was the longest drive home and one of the most restless and lonely nights I have had in a very long time.

Divorce is brutal. It upends your life in such a way that, for me, left lasting scars. It has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to the institution of marriage, but besides that, it has left me with a sadness that is hard to escape at times. My boys who are the loves of my life and the reasons I get up every morning, are at times painful reminders of what might have been. The loss of other relationships, whether it be with family or friends I had when married, is hard to cope with as well. It is difficult to go from being among people who you hold a bond as close as family with to being among those same people who you now hold an uncomfortable feeling with much like strangers sharing an elevator. Yes, the casualties of divorce are severe, but then again the casualties of remaining in a marriage that just isn’t working are far worse.