“Trailer Park Santa”

 

c. 2023 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(12-23)

 

Santa Claus got drunk tonight

It wasn’t what the old elf intended

He made a stop at a doublewide

With Christmas lights inside

And found himself befriended

By a girl in blue jeans

A working class queen

With her high heeled boots dripping snow

A yellow Jeep on big tires

Hank III on fire

And a Gadsden flag across the front window

 

Santa Claus got tipsy tonight

Rudolph’s nose was red

The gang blew into town

That sled of toys came down

As all the kids were in their beds

The country girl kicked high

She had a gleam in her eye

“Hey fat man, how ‘bout a good time?”

She made him skip and jig

Like an over-the-road rig

Dancing in a line

 

Santa Claus broke into the Jack

Opening that bottle was foolish

Once he took a pull

He snorted like a bull

“I’ll do whatever I wish!”

He kissed her on the mouth

That bearded Son of the South

Who pretended to be from the North Pole

They both fell on the floor

St. Nick and his paramour

Then rolled like cookie dough

 

Santa Claus stopped at the park

A trailer cluster in the pines

Empty cases of beer

Satellite dishes and fishing gear

And a row of four-wheel drives

Mrs. Claus would have been incensed

If she knew of this damned diversion

Instead of circling the world

He met up with a naughty girl

And spent the eve having fun

Shooting off his six-gun

 

Santa Claus got in the doghouse

In a very familiar way

He took a page from the book

Of getting emotionally hooked

By an Annie Oakley at play

She was interested in nothing

Just a tempting good time

And It tripped him up on his rounds

He should have stayed with the plan

Been a better man

But he let go of his crown

 

Santa Claus went MIA

Nobody could find the goof

He dumped that ride

With the packages, tied

And forgot about making his route

Kids were saddened in the morn

With no gifts underneath the tree

But that chubby saint

Was busy smearing face paint

On the belly of his curvy squeeze

Singing ‘They call me the breeze!’

 

Santa Claus had a lot to explain

When the hangover started to hit

His fling ended soon

Like the tap of a spoon

A quake made his gut feel sick

Somewhere in the cosmos

The stars were fully aligned

He sat outside with his shame

By a candle in flame

His head throbbed in three-quarter time

Just a T-shirt on the clothesline

 

Santa Cee got drunk tonight

Now he’s crawling on his paws

Out in the street

Begging and meek

To get forgiveness from Mrs. Claus

In the end sin is no prize

It only breaks the heart

Now that cat is lonely and fat

He should have done his part

But the choo choo went way off its tracks

The arrow missed its mark