c. 2023 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(12-23)
Santa Claus got drunk tonight
It wasn’t what the old elf intended
He made a stop at a doublewide
With Christmas lights inside
And found himself befriended
By a girl in blue jeans
A working class queen
With her high heeled boots dripping snow
A yellow Jeep on big tires
Hank III on fire
And a Gadsden flag across the front window
Santa Claus got tipsy tonight
Rudolph’s nose was red
The gang blew into town
That sled of toys came down
As all the kids were in their beds
The country girl kicked high
She had a gleam in her eye
“Hey fat man, how ‘bout a good time?”
She made him skip and jig
Like an over-the-road rig
Dancing in a line
Santa Claus broke into the Jack
Opening that bottle was foolish
Once he took a pull
He snorted like a bull
“I’ll do whatever I wish!”
He kissed her on the mouth
That bearded Son of the South
Who pretended to be from the North Pole
They both fell on the floor
St. Nick and his paramour
Then rolled like cookie dough
Santa Claus stopped at the park
A trailer cluster in the pines
Empty cases of beer
Satellite dishes and fishing gear
And a row of four-wheel drives
Mrs. Claus would have been incensed
If she knew of this damned diversion
Instead of circling the world
He met up with a naughty girl
And spent the eve having fun
Shooting off his six-gun
Santa Claus got in the doghouse
In a very familiar way
He took a page from the book
Of getting emotionally hooked
By an Annie Oakley at play
She was interested in nothing
Just a tempting good time
And It tripped him up on his rounds
He should have stayed with the plan
Been a better man
But he let go of his crown
Santa Claus went MIA
Nobody could find the goof
He dumped that ride
With the packages, tied
And forgot about making his route
Kids were saddened in the morn
With no gifts underneath the tree
But that chubby saint
Was busy smearing face paint
On the belly of his curvy squeeze
Singing ‘They call me the breeze!’
Santa Claus had a lot to explain
When the hangover started to hit
His fling ended soon
Like the tap of a spoon
A quake made his gut feel sick
Somewhere in the cosmos
The stars were fully aligned
He sat outside with his shame
By a candle in flame
His head throbbed in three-quarter time
Just a T-shirt on the clothesline
Santa Cee got drunk tonight
Now he’s crawling on his paws
Out in the street
Begging and meek
To get forgiveness from Mrs. Claus
In the end sin is no prize
It only breaks the heart
Now that cat is lonely and fat
He should have done his part
But the choo choo went way off its tracks
The arrow missed its mark
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