Nobody Reads This Page – “Phone Assistant”

 

c. 2024 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(3-24)

 

 

I have written here before about Janis, my contrarian friend from yonder days who lives near the shoreline of Lake Erie. Because of health issues suffered last year, she has spent many months either hospitalized at the Cleveland Clinic, at a skilled care facility nearby, or at another nursing home located in the city of Ashtabula. For a long period, she was on a feeding tube and responsive only in a general sense. Alive enough to occupy a bed, but far less energetic than the person I remembered as a team member at Giant Eagle. I wondered if her ability to participate actively in social situations had been eclipsed by such woes. But more recently, her ornery nature seemed to return. Something I took as a sign of recovery. Though she still battled gastrointestinal maladies, and some vision loss, her feisty attitude endured. This return to form meant that every telephone call became an adventure of sorts. I listened patiently while hearing about her care and treatments. Or reacted somewhat squeamishly to confessions of upsetting the staff and medical professionals with her rowdy behavior. Despite being scolded for drinking liquids without a thickening agent added, or for her desire to chain-smoke cigarettes, she continued to push boundaries and challenge guidelines. I reckoned that it was a demonstration of her inner strength.

 

Sometimes, meals of pureed mush and pudding were simply too bland to tolerate. These episodes usually resulted in culinary experiments with cookies, potato chips, or even pizza. All acquired in clandestine fashion. When something got ‘stuck’ in her esophagus, the result was usually messy. Clothes and bedding became soiled. Lunchroom furnishings dripped with a shameful spew. She even trailed partially-digested food down the hallway. These incidents stirred up controversy with those on duty. Yet each infraction made me more certain that her true personality had returned. Her own self-assessment hit the metaphorical target.

 

“I AM NOT A DAMN DELICATE FLOWER! SCREW THIS DUMP!”

 

Because her current place of residence has no landline devices available to individuals receiving care, Janis has learned to dial my number from a hallway phone near the entrance. Or at a station in the activity area. Neither of these spots provides much privacy, or comfort. So, almost every day, I hear her petition for help with getting a wireless device on the sly.

 

A recent explanation of the difficulties involved was lengthy and exhausting to navigate. But I did my best.

 

“Look, you’ve got a financial account there in the city, where your government payments can be received. But not being home at the moment means you aren’t picking up mail that relates to its management. You never had a computer or the internet, at the house where you live. You don’t do online banking. You also can’t drive, and do not have a vehicle, anyway. And your roomie hid the checkbook, because she is the budget queen. All those things taken together present quite a challenge. I can’t just log on here in my home office, and make things happen...”

 

Her reaction was predictably sharp.

 

“HORSESHIT! YOU’RE SMART ABOUT THAT STUFF, RODBERT! YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A JOB WITH THE ‘GEEK SQUAD’ AT BEST BUY! QUIT MAKING EXCUSES! QUIT BEING A SISSY! I KNOW YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT! HOOK ME UP! THIS IS BORING AS HELL! I NEED A CELLY!”

 

I had to plead poverty as a limiting factor, due to my own survival on a fixed income.

 

“Years ago, we could have gone out for Chinese food, and a shopping excursion. I wouldn’t complain about escaping this neighborhood for a few hours, even now. But things have changed for both of us, unfortunately. I am retired and out of circulation. I hobble around with two canes, as my father did in his 80’s. And you are in the midst of a long-term project to restore your health. There is no magic wand to wave. All of this will take time and effort. You have to be realistic about that...”

 

Her response must have shocked anyone nearby. Yet I guessed that it entertained her fellow patients.

 

“YOU’RE AN EFFING ASS! I NEED A RIDE TO WALMART, AND A POLAR POP FROM CIRCLE K ON THE WAY BACK! GET OFF YOUR REAR END AND DRIVE UP HERE! JUST DO IT! DO IT!”

 

After she slammed down the receiver, I wallowed in silence for a couple of minutes. My face was stinging and had turned red. Then, I sat down at my desk. Methodically, I began to search for options that might be available online. She already had an e-mail account which I had created for use in circumstances where I was helping to provide assistance with official chores. Like the filing of her original claim for disability funds. I went to the Bentonville, Arkansas retailer’s website, and tried to set up an account. But ran into a snag with getting her method of payment confirmed. This moved me to try linking with PayPal, but that also uncovered roadblocks that I could not pass. In desperation, I tried to enroll her in online banking, with a similar result. Every attempt failed. Yet I had learned enough from this exercise to develop a better plan. I needed a keystone to put everything together.

 

When she rang my bell again, I was prepared.

 

“You said something about stopping at Mays Manor, your house by the lake. Right? An aide from the nursing facility let you retrieve some personal effects. Including your debit card...”

 

She squawked like a wounded hen.

 

“YES, DAMMIT, YES! YOU KNOW ALL OF THAT! I EVEN FOUND SOME SMOKES BY MY OLD BED, BUT THE BITCHES HERE TOOK THEM AWAY! I JUST WANTED ONE HIT OF TOBACCO, RIGHT? IT’S BEEN A LONG FREAKING TIME! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL, GOING WITHOUT FOR SO LONG?”

 

I chuckled a bit over her query.

 

“I haven’t had a cigarette since the 1980’s, so honestly, you are asking the wrong person!”

 

Janis spat curses and whistled with disbelief.

 

“I WAS A LITTLE KID IN THE 1980’S SO THERE’S THAT, RODBERT! ANYWAY, I CAN’T USE MY CARD UNLESS YOU TAKE ME TO THE STORE! GET IT? YOU... TAKE... ME! GET UP HERE AND QUIT PLAYING AROUND!”

 

I inhaled deeply, and then began my summation like a lawyer in court.

 

“Actually, you can use your card without having to visit Wally World, or any of those places. I would worry about your stability in that kind of open environment. And I am sure your caregivers would agree. But how about this... I can revisit my work in cyberspace, with that new information in hand. That’s the game changer for both of us, a strategy to solve this riddle...”

 

My friend began to purr like a kitten.

 

“So, that means you can get me a phone?”

 

I leaned back in my roller chair, and sighed with relief.

 

“I think so. All of your old information is still in my office notebook. We’ve been a dynamic duo for quite some time. Honestly though, I have been gypped in this arrangement. You get favor after favor, but what do I get out of the bargain? What do I get in the end?”

 

The feral femme cackled and twisted her long, orange hair.

 

“YOU GET... TO KNOW ME! I AM... AWESOME!!”