“Do As I Say, Not As I Do…Or Did”

c. 2017 Cheryl Kelly

(9-17)

I was driving with my teenage son in the car the other day, who he, himself is in the midst of achieving his own driver’s license, when I stopped at a red light and proceeded to check my cell phone messages. I glanced up to check the status of the color on the light and noticing it was still red, began typing in a response. My son was quick to reprimand me with a reminder about the dangers of texting and driving. I, of course, responded with, “Well, technically, I’m not driving, I’m sitting.” And he quickly replied with, “Are you in a car Mom?” Followed by, “And are you in the driver’s seat?” Touché I said to myself and put down my phone. Now before any of you jump all over me with telling me what a bad example I was setting for my son, or what a bad parent I am, save it, I get it. And you cannot tell me that there aren’t some of you out there who haven’t done the same thing once or twice yourselves. Anyway, back to my son. He then asked why it was okay that I used my phone while driving, yet he is required to put his promptly in the glove box when he gets behind the wheel. This got me scrambling for a response and thinking about that adage “do as I say, not as I do”. I settled on experience and my many years of driving under my belt, blah, blah, blah. It wasn’t a good answer, I knew that, and I’m sure so did he, but sensing the slight irritation in my tone at having my authority challenged, he decided against pushing the subject.

After dropping him off I got to thinking about that task that we parents have in trying to ensure that our kids have it better than we did, that they have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and that they experience life in a different way; hopefully less burdened, happier and more fulfilled. And even though “do as I say, not as I do” seems like a thin, even arrogant approach, it rings true, and can be the best way to direct your children at times. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want my boys doing some of the things that I did when I was younger. It was a different time when I was their age and the world was much different then. Just as it was when my parents were teenagers. Not that I am excusing any of my poor behavior or choices, I’m just saying that at times, I was damn lucky! And, no, no details will be shared.

Like every situation and argument, there is a flip side, a different view. How fair is it to judge your child’s behavior or decision making if you, in turn, made the same cavalier choices at his/her age? Or perhaps, you made worse decisions…what room do you have to then bring the hammer down so hard on your kids? Like anything in life, there’s a balance that needs to be found. There’s some understanding that you must have as a parent in relating to age and experience and remembering what it was like to be a teenager. Remembering the immaturity and lack of world knowledge that youngsters have and how to gently guide while allowing some independence. It’s tough as a parent to step back at times allowing decisions to be made that you know are poor, but the learning opportunity that comes from the certain consequences far outweighs any real harm that can come. Still, there are those circumstances that arise from time to time that you must step in and say, “because I said so…because I know…because I have been there…”.

Life is full of decision making opportunities and as much as we would like to be able to direct our kids at every single one, that isn’t going to happen. At some point, they will fly solo and you hope that you have given them enough to ensure a straight flight. I tell my boys the same thing all the time; that the moment I chose to have them in my life, is the moment that it was no longer about me. It was about them and how I could make sure that they had chances that I didn’t, that they had more, were able to do more than I had or did. And if I have to tell them from time to time to just “do as I say, not as I do…or did,” in order to achieve that goal, then so be it.