"The Art of Forgiveness"

by Cheryl Kelly

(12-2017)

I had a friend tell me once to write what I know. It was a simple statement, but very poignant. Passion and strength in one’s writing comes from the ability to draw from experiences and emotions felt personally and be able to let the reader, in turn, feel that pain, fear, love, joy through the words you put out. As a writer, it’s a scary thing at times because in order to reach someone on the level that you want, you have to be willing to open yourself up and display those parts of you that at times you would prefer to keep hidden. Honesty in writing is scary, but a necessity. I keep that simple statement in my mind at all times, write what I know. It reminds me that to be a good writer, I need to be human, I need to embrace the good, and also the bad, and be willing to share it with the hopes that someone will benefit in some way from it. So, here’s some of the bad…

I was scrolling through my Facebook account the other day and came across a video of a mother of one of the Sandy Hook Elementary School victims. Her 6 year old son was killed that horrible day and as she was sharing her memories of her little boy; his tiny soccer shoes still covered with dirt from the last time he played, a message he had written on a chalkboard in that sweet clumsy first handwriting of a new writer, and pictures of him with the sweetest smile, she was walking the viewer through her process of forgiveness. She was explaining how for years she had carried this weight around with her like a ball and chain. This anger towards the shooter and her grief over losing her child. That she had to one day just release it, to cut that chain so that she could move forward and she described the pure relief she felt when she was finally able to do that.

As she was speaking, I could feel myself just fill with sorrow; my chest heavy, my heart aching. Sorrow for this mother, this woman, this family, this child who was never given the opportunity to grow and become all he was meant to become. The pain I felt for her was so real because I could relate as a mother. The city I live in also experienced a school shooting and I could relate to the fear she felt, as I have felt that same fear. What I could not relate to, what I struggled with, was her ability to forgive. How do you do that? How do you find forgiveness for someone who took such a precious part of your life? As a parent, I couldn’t imagine losing my child, ever, especially in such a senseless way, and I can’t imagine how I would ever be able to be strong enough to find forgiveness for the person responsible.

I started thinking about forgiveness, the ability to forgive, and the healing benefits from it. I understand that carrying around negativity whether in the form of anger, hurt or fear is detrimental to oneself, however, I have to admit that I struggle with forgiveness. I’m not talking about mere grudges, as I’m not a grudge holder, I’m talking about those big things that happen in life. Those heartbreaking, devastating blows that cut you off at the knees and knock you out of the ring. That totally knocks the wind out of you to a point where you feel you will never breathe right again. Those moments that inevitably find their way into our lives at one time or another. How do you let those things go? How do you find that place in your heart that breeds forgiveness and allows you to move forward? I have to admit, I just don’t know.

I titled this piece the “Art” of forgiveness because for me, forgiveness is truly an art. It doesn’t just happen, you have to work at it, and not everyone is capable of it. For some, they draw strength from religion and that helps them work through the process. For others, it’s a matter of time. Time heals all they say and I suppose there is some truth in that, however, time can also mask the underlying need to really address something and not just forget. For me, oh how I wish I could say that I had a handle on forgiveness, but alas, I do not. I work on that every day, and some days I think I will get there and other days I just can’t so I put it on the shelf and say, “another day”. Maybe I’m just waiting until I learn the skills I need in order to properly deal with life’s low blows, but then again at my age, you would think I would have learned that by now. What I can say after watching that mother in that video, is that I believe she is right about one thing, negativity is a weight. Hurt, anger, fear, frustration – all emotions that create and add to that weight; a heavy ball and chain that hinders everything you do in life, and forgiveness, if you are fortunate enough to have learned, is the art of release.