c. 2024 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(4-24)
Governor Mark Moerlien had prepped for his press conference in Columbus by dressing in a formal suit and necktie, with the seal of his office prominently displayed on a gold clasp. He had planned to make an announcement about the arrival of DaiJeng Heavy Industries in Ohio, with a joint venture that would build a new battery facility for EVs. Something endorsed by both major political parties, and by a coalition of venture capitalists around the state. But when he entered the conference room, flanked by aides from his office, a hush fell over the confined space. Then, as he began to speak, decorum disappeared.
“Good morning, everyone! Before answering your questions, I want to announce that an agreement has been signed with a Chinese firm which will benefit everyone here, by providing hundreds of new jobs and related opportunities to enhance the vibrant economy of this entire region...”
Chaos took hold as several reporters jumped to their feet and began to shout down their chief executive, with disinterest in his prepared statement.
A skinny, young woman on platform heels gestured with her pen, and yowled from the front row.
“Sir, I am Kiki Chapman, from the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Do you have any comment on rumors that some of our legislators are considering an amendment to the constitution that would install a monarchy in Ohio? With Donald J. Trump as our ceremonial head of state?”
Moerlein nearly lost his balance. He grabbed both sides of the lectern to keep from toppling over.
“WHAT WAS THAT? WHERE DID YOU READ THAT KIND OF GOSSIP?”
Behind the junior reporter, an older, stockier fellow offered his own take on the same issue. He had white hair and wire-rimmed spectacles. His girth swelled under a tweed jacket.
“Governor, my name is Arthur Brogue, from the Cincinnati Enquirer. About the talk of Ohio getting its own royal figure, can you confirm that a petition drive has yielded actual signatures? Has this move been formally endorsed by our Republican Party? Would you support such a plan, yourself?”
The state official became tongue-tied, almost immediately.
“NO! I WOULD NEVER SUPPORT SUCH A MOVE! THAT IS TO SAY, I UMM... I LOVE PRESIDENT TRUMP OF COURSE, AND THANK HIM FOR SERVING OUR NATION AS COMMANDER IN CHIEF... BUT I WOULDN’T... I MEAN, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS...”
Chapman squawked for a follow-up to her query. Her blouse had a press badge pinned to the lapel. It had been knocked sideways by the wild flailing of her arms.
“Sir, if Ohio is going to coronate a king, shouldn’t it be a beloved figure like Bernie Kosar, the former Browns Quarterback? Or maybe LeBron James, after he retires from the NBA? People already call him ‘King James’ as I’m sure you know! Trump ought to be king of New York, or now Florida, perhaps?”
Mr. Moerlein felt dizzy while confronting the cluster of microphones.
“BERNIE? LEBRON? I can’t really speculate on something so wild...”
A college student in the middle of their group stood up, revealing his red, Che Guevara T-shirt. He spoke defiantly over the heads of his peers.
“Governor, I’m Nance M’Bala from the Capital-Journal website, which is based here in Columbus. I’d like your comment on stories about Donald Trump being chosen as the king of our state. Is this something you and other members of the regional GOP are floating like a trial balloon? If it is, don’t you realize that it represents the idea of white patriarchy over free citizens who threw off those shackles, more than 200 years ago? Doesn’t this show how DJT basically holds sway over your political organization like a cult of personality?”
The state leader sputtered and salivated while grasping for a coherent response.
“CULT? I WOULD SAY THAT IS RIDICULOUS! I MEAN, THE THOUGHT OF HAVING A KING IS A NOVEL IDEA, TO BE CHARITABLE... NOT THAT MR. TRUMP WOULD BE A BAD KING OF COURSE, I APPRECIATE HIS SACRIFICES FOR AMERICA... BUT UMM... I JUST DON’T HAVE ANY COMMENT ABOUT THIS CRAZY RUMOR...”
Reporter Chapman rattled her bracelets for a final time. She feverishly hopped up and down like a cheerleader on the sidelines of an athletic competition.
“Sir, WBNS-TV 10 is reporting that a bundle of paperwork was sent to your office by an archivist with the Royals & Nobles Association Registry, Buckeye Regals Division. Can you confirm or deny that happened? Have you looked at those signatures, or had someone in your office verify them with voter rolls?”
The political hack had turned pale. He desperately wanted a glass of Scotch whiskey, and a cigar.
“Kiki, I admire your persistence. But as I’ve said before, there is nothing to offer on this report. I don’t have a clue about whether it is true or false. And I don’t have an opinion about Ohio getting a king to lead the state in any ceremonial capacity...”
M’Bala raised his fist in a sign of opposition.
“Silence equals an endorsement, man! Are you afraid of repercussions at the ballot box over any criticism of Mr. Trump, in public? Is this what the protesters had in mind on January 6th, 2021, to install their champion as a king for the whole country?”
Governor Moerlein began to swoon on his spot.
“CRITICISM? OF COURSE I‘M NOT AFRAID TO EXPRESS ANY CRTITCISM! WHICH, I WOULDN’T DO BECAUSE TRUMP IS AN ICON AND A HERO TO ALL OF US... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN... TO LOYAL AMERICANS... BUT I WOULDN’T BE AFRAID TOSPEAK OUT IF... THERE WAS ANY REASON FOR CANDOR! ANY REASON AT ALL!”
Whispering buzzed around the press room. Furious scribbling happened on old-school notepads, and the screens of stylus-enabled smartphones.
Newshound Brogue pointed his right, index finger in the air.
“So, you can say categorically that you do not wish Mr. Trump to be in any position of honor or authority, within the state of Ohio?”
The chief executive coughed loudly, and wheezed like a fireplace bellows.
“WELL, I HONOR HIM OR COURSE, AS ANY GOOD CHRISTIAN WOULD... ANY GOOD CITIZEN... I MEAN, THERE’S NEVER BEEN ANY DOUBT OF MY LOVE FOR WHAT HE ACCOMPLISHED WHILE IN OFFICE... BUT I WOULDN’T WANT HIM AS A MONARCH... NOT THAT IT WOULD BE A BAD THING OF COURSE, HE WOULD BE A GREAT KING! A MAGA KING! BUT REALLY... I WOULDN’T WANT THAT AT ALL...”
Before the press event could continue, several aides surrounded their patron, providing a welcome moment of rescue. Lights in the space dimmed on cue.
“Thank you all for attending this session. The governor has to be at another meeting in fifteen minutes. We regret having to end our interaction so abruptly!
Moerlein signed with relief. He waved while disappearing through a side door of the chamber.
“Have a great day, everyone! Thank you!”
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