“Example & Encouragement”

Note: I read this at Mom's funeral on August 20th, 2019. I had written it earlier in the month as her health began to decline.

c. 2019 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(8-19)

Duality.

I grew up in a household founded on the principle of two as a team being stronger than one alone. This twin tradition of nurture caused a sort of natural balance to develop, from my beginning. Mother and father speaking with their own distinct voices. But doing so in harmony. He, the example for my budding self. A template. A guide for future exploration. A mentor. A genuine sire. And she, the encourager. The breath of life. The sustenance of spirit. The one who always made me believe when faith in myself was needed. She carried my fetal beginning in her womb, then carried my growing life forward with an embrace of hope that never ended.

As a child, she urged me to join a local 4-H club in Virginia. Something she had done herself as a youngster. I was socially awkward and afraid. Every meeting brought a sense of dread as I pondered my own ability to fail. But she stayed patient. Always seeding my mind with new thoughts. New opportunities. New inventions. In the group, I thrived. Like a mystic, she seemed to know instinctively that this new routine would help to open my consciousness to better things. Creative impulses that strained the limits of traditional education were embraced in this setting. Soon, fear of the unfamiliar became joy in receiving the wisdom of learned souls. I chose electricity as a focal point, with new technologies rising quickly in the early 1970’s.

Dad approved in words. Mom gave her endorsement through the heart.

At church, I memorized verses from the Christian Bible. Deuteronomy 5:16 laid a foundation for our philosophy as a family. “Honor thy father and thy mother, as the Lord thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” It was a scripture often quoted and revered. One that helped me aim for the confidence of my father in all things. But another settled in my heart. One that provided fertile soil for the concept of inner dignity to push upward toward the sunlight of truth. Selected words from Proverbs Chapter 31. “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life… Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come… she openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness… She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.”

My mind valued the knowledge borne by father, a master of sacred writings and ancient histories. But stowed deep in my spirit was the essence gifted to me by mother. An energy conveyed not through language or instruction, but by love. Delivered directly, just as her own flesh cradled and cultivated my own to the point of independence.

Perhaps this bond was the reason for our emotional connection, long after I had graduated to adult life. We would joke in the family that a typical conversation by telephone was divided unequally. With Dad, a chat might last five minutes. With Mom, it was more likely to run for a few hours. With him, each minute of speaking carried informative thoughts that might still resound many weeks into the future. Yet from her, there was a sort of comfort not unlike sitting in her lap as a child. Wandering in subject matter from this page to the next, or back again. Not following any chronology or discipline. Sharing feelings that words were strained to express. When my wife would ask what we had talked about for so long, the answer might echo as a riddle. “Nothing!” This often produced a blank stare or crossed arms and a glare of befuddlement. Still, it was true.

Mom and I could talk about ‘nothing’ and from that stream-of-consciousness, derive what felt like everything, in my heart.

Even when bowed by the weight of many years, she retained this ability to spread charm and goodwill easily. Like slathering butter on a fresh-baked piece of her French bread. At the Mansfield Place nursing home, even after father had ascended to eternity, she gabbed and smiled and laughed and celebrated each day of being alive. Like savoring a feast set before the flock. When we visited, I sought comfort and personal validation as her child. But just as often, my reward was in seeing her skill with strangers and seekers-of-solace around the table. Her ability to channel the energy of God into a simple, daily prayer remained remarkable. I reflected on the old admonition to “Grow where you are planted.” In a dozen congregations and more, from west Virginia to Michigan to Ohio, Pennsylvania and New York, she did just that with determination. Always able to find enough sunlight and rain to fuel her forward motion.

Paired with Dad, she created a partnership that endured to inspire others for many decades. While he paused with coffee and lesson materials, she put the holy scriptures into daily use. Making each word of Christ come alive in practice. Offered not from the pulpit, but over a fence in the yard, or a table in the kitchen. Given with no-bake cookies or her McCray-style vegetable soup. A present for the spirit and the belly.

This dual concept – that food was a blessing, and a celebration or sorts in the name of God, worked well for me, in childhood and beyond. Perhaps it is why that I still think most fondly of dinners in the church basement where breaking bread together, while reasoning over scripture, was my favorite activity.

To bid Dad farewell, while holding fast to the faith that we would meet again, challenged my resolve even as I believed it to be true. But giving the same salute to Mom, the one who gave me life within herself, was somehow different. A conundrum in seeing the beginning of ‘me’ coming to a mortal end, in her passing. A sting of death being separated from my own beginning. From the spark that set my sentient self ablaze. From the garden where I grew from a mustard seed. From the pool where I learned to swim before wallowing toward the vast ocean of human experiences.

To truly say goodbye would be unbearably sad. So I take relief in knowing that this moment does not come with that kind of finality, rooted in the grave. Instead, she is alive in a higher realm. One to which I can hope to ascend, by following the example of father, and accepting her encouragement to soar.

I love you, Mom.

Comments about ‘Words on the Loose’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com

Write us at: P. O. Box 365 Chardon, OH 44024

“To Be, or Not To Be...With Someone”

c. 2019 Cheryl Kelly

All rights reserved

(3-19)

Starting over, no matter the subject, is one of the single most difficult things to do in life. Whether you find yourself in the midst of a motivated comeback from a failure, trying to recover and heal from some kind of loss, or simply attempting to redirect yourself into improvement, starting over can be a daunting and often times, fear provoking task. No one likes to admit or accept that they have failed, even if the failure is not completely theirs to own. And change does not come easy to most. Learning to adapt to change and live outside of one’s comfort zone that they have built for themselves over time can be a tall order. A tall order, yes, but not unreachable.

I will use myself as an example. After a 12 year failed marriage and another lengthy, failed relationship after that, I had convinced myself that perhaps I was just meant to be alone. Perhaps, this relationship thing was not for everyone. After having my heart returned to me in pieces more than once, I was not about to risk what little I had left to another. I was absolutely content, or perhaps resigned is a better word, with the thought that I would be flying solo. The thought of starting all over again, trying to connect with someone new was just not an option for me; I was done.

Having struggled in my last relationship for the last 2 years of it trying to find and give forgiveness, it was clear to me that it was time to move in a different direction. I was alone again, and to be honest, I was okay with it. The stress slowly lessened, the constant arguments were gone, and the feelings of inadequacy lingered, but were not all-consuming. The bitterness I felt, and still feel at times, I was learning to process in a productive way. I threw myself into my work and spent time with family and friends to navigate the emptiness that at times reared it’s ugly head. However, after some time, even though those were convenient replacements, they did not fill the void I often times felt, and this bothered me.

Priding myself on my independence, it was a harsh reality to swallow. The fact that I do need someone else; that I do miss having a partner to share even the most mundane tasks; such as enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning at the kitchen table or sharing a pizza and a movie on a Friday night. I would, after all, prefer the presence of another human being in my life, on an intimate level, to feel the best parts of me. Now before all you other independents rise up in revolt, please understand that I am not equating my needs and desires for a relationship with a general comment of one’s inability to find internal, independent happiness with oneself. I am not downplaying the importance of the thought that true happiness starts from within and should not be dependent on another person, place or thing. What I am saying is that for me, I feel my best happiness when I can share with another.

Human beings, by nature, require the interaction of others. Human touch and companionship have been shown to not only aid in healing, but also nurturing and growing. Total isolation is very damaging to the human soul not to mention the negative effects it can have on the physical body. What differs from person to person is the amount of interaction that they need to feel fulfilled. For some, it resembles an intimate relationship sharing not only time, but space as well, and for others it’s more casual with the need for alone time slightly outweighing the need for interaction. And then there are those of us, like me, who prefer a nice balance; the company of someone to share with, but also the alone time required to ensure that the best parts of me are nurtured equally.

To be, or not to be with someone...that is the question. And like everything in life, one size does not fit all. The need for relationships differ from person to person and from situation to situation, and not all relationships fall neatly into one definition. In the end, we all need somebody, some form of interaction, to some extent, to be well; to be the best versions of ourselves. Sometimes, along the way, we choose poorly and find out through heartache that we should have chosen differently. But then there are those other times, those moments we get lucky and connect with someone on a level where the best parts of us shine bright. And even if those relationships come to an end at some point in our lives, the takeaway is invaluable and we are better for them. So nurture yourself; start over when you need to, make that change or choose to be with someone, because you may just be that person that is making that someone shine.

Editor’s Note: I could not have expressed this more eloquently. Even for those of us who are independent in spirit, there is a natural inclination toward bonding with another on some level. Relationship failure may increase the fear but does not decrease the need.

Mary’s Message - Volume 1

by Mary Malloy Bramstedt

(2-19)

Editor’s Note – After a period of being disconnected from my notable friend, Mary reappeared thanks to a new cell phone and members of the community who passed along her number. I welcomed this opportunity to correspond with her and suggested she compose new material for this newspaper. What follows here is the result:

The 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month is an historic time for all members of the public who pause near the steps of our great Geauga County Court House to hear the patriotic words of veterans who have been presented medals of honor for their heroic deeds defending our country in times of war. Their allegiance to God and country makes us all proud to be Americans.

And so it was on November 11, 2019 when I was privileged to listen to the speech of Lt. Col. Allen Bernard West, who served 26 years in the Army and was a US Congressman from Florida. He was the distinguished military hero whom I spoke to about my Dad's service. I spoke to the distinguished man afterward and told him I was proud to be there as we prepared to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the end of WW 1. As a daughter of WW 1. I was honored to tell tell him of my dad's

service in the gas division of the "war to end all wars."

My dad was James Trant "Pat" Malloy (b 1895--d 1967). He married for the first

and only time to my mother when he was 49 and she was 24! After his military

service ended he graduated from the Wharton School of Business at the U. of

Pennsylvania, he traveled around the world and spoke five languages including

Arabic and Yiddish since he worked in the Middle East as well as Europe. I am

glad he returned home to Williamsport, PA to meet and marry my mom. We had a

wonderful life and he was a youthful 64 when my baby brother Mike was born. My

brother Pat and I were only in our teens and Mike was only eight when he went to

be with Our Lord and we have missed him dearly ever since.

Chardon Post Cards - eBay

Maple Syrup Capitol

City Hall & Fire Department

Geauga County Courthouse

Old Chardon High School

Barr's Skating Rink

“Put Your Purse Down Sally!”

c. 2018 Cheryl Kelly

All rights reserved

(12-18)

Okay, so life has it’s way of throwing some curve balls. If you’re lucky, your dodging abilities are on point, but most of us, who hated dodge ball in elementary school, never quite grasped those skills and have ended up taking those hits to the face time and time again. There does come a point, however, in one’s life when you turn that corner and pick up the ball and throw it right back. It’s a skill that I believe does come with age and with wisdom, for lack of a better way to put it. That point you reach in your life where you put your purse down and wail away.

Like everything, this isn’t the case for everyone, as everyone does handle life and the challenges it dishes out differently, but I do think that as we get older, our perspective changes. It is no longer acceptable to be unhappy, or to waste time in an unhappy situation. It is no longer okay to put yourself last always, to settle for less than you deserve. Now I realize that this sounds a bit selfish, and perhaps that’s true. But who said that being selfish has to always have a negative connotation to it? What is so wrong with looking out for yourself?

Now I’m not saying to swing the pendulum clear in other direction, where you mistreat others for your own personal gain. I’m talking about making time for yourself, making yourself a priority, and allowing yourself to demand more; not only more from yourself, but also more from others who you let into your life. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to have those expectations? Are we just setting ourselves up for more failure and hits to the face?

I don’t think so...I like to think that the more we demand from ourselves and those we love and care about, the more we grow and the closer we get to real happiness. If we have no expectations of ourselves or others, than the same old behaviors and actions that at times were not working, just continue to be acceptable...and we end up stuck in a rut, losing precious time. And if life has taught us anything as humans over and over again, it’s that the time you think you have, does not exist. Anything can happen at any moment that changes your life in an instant.

The next challenge is to decide how to begin...how to begin looking at things differently, how to begin to put steps in place to change the way you handle yourself and others, and to just stop being okay with less than you deserve. It’s important to be honest with yourself enough to know when you’re missing something and are unhappy with someone or something in your life. And then the challenge is to communicate to those around you letting them know what you need, how you feel and what you want. Lastly, you need to be prepared to let go, accept change, and know that change is difficult and takes time to adjust.

It’s a daunting task to evaluate your life, and even more intimidating to know that there are things that need to change if you’re going to grow. As you get older, I believe that task does get easier if for no other reason than you have learned over the years after taking those hits over and over; that life is short, and even shorter to spend it unhappy and unfulfilled. It becomes time to stop settling for anything that does not bring a positive into your life; time to move yourself away from people who don’t meet you half way and put forth the same effort that you, yourself give.

So, put your purse down Sally and throw some punches back!

"Just Say It"

c. 2018 Cheryl Kelly

All rights reserved

(11-18)

Ever notice that we as a species, human beings that is, as intelligent as we are, struggle terribly with communication? You would think that for as advanced as we claim to be, we would have this thing called “talking” down by now. But, we don’t. More people have misunderstandings simply due to the fact that their message was not communicated effectively. In other words, what was in their minds prior to speaking, was completely different than what was actually voiced to the intended recipient.

I, of course, would be no exception to this rule. No matter how well thought out the conversation in my head is, no matter how carefully plotted, when it comes down to the delivery, it is, at times, sorely lacking. Why does this happen? How can something be so incredibly clear in one moment and then so utterly destroyed the next? What happens during translation?

I think for me it has to do with an inherent discomfort with confrontation. Fear of the unknown – how will my message be received; how will it be interpreted; what if it is misread; what if it isn’t understood the way it should be? Now of course, any logical person could see that there is no way to know how someone else is going to react to any particular message at any given time. But, then there’s me, who will attempt to prepare a response to every possible outcome in the hopes of dodging said potential confrontation. Yes, if you are wondering, it is exhausting!

Most “normal” people, however, speak their mind and deal with whatever is thrown at them accordingly. This is a skill that, even given my older age, I seem to have not been able to master. I think at times it serves me well, as there is a built in pause button. This enables me to not speak too quickly and keep the emotional responses under my thumb a bit. There are times though that it does not serve me at all. Those times I find myself responding much too late, losing whatever appropriate impact I wished to make and then struggling to make my point at a later time costing me the desired punch I wanted to land.

Nowadays, the communication gaps come via the written word more so than the spoken one. Conversations through text, instant message or other technological means create a whole other avenue for misunderstanding. People cannot express themselves accurately enough at times through the written word as they can verbally. Lost inflection and tone can create issues not to mention the lost facial expressions and body language that “speak” volumes. I cannot tell you how many times I have read a text or an email and took a meaning completely different from what was intended. That being said, we live in a world where communication is less and less face to face. Ever watch couples or families today out to eat, each with their phone in hand and not engaging one another, not even being present? It’s a sad commentary – the bad part is that people seem to be unaware of just how damaging this is. Losing that much needed human contact will have an impact down the line.

This growing communication gap opens up a whole other challenge, and that is word choice. Our current world is so centered around being fast-paced and efficient. No one has any time anymore. Everyone is so incredibly busy that even our written conversations are short and abbreviated. For those of you with teenagers, if you have ever read their messages to each other or their posts on social media, you know what I’m talking about...lol. And what gets lost yet again? Meaning...the message...the thought process. We have forgotten about the importance of being together, listening, feeling, enjoying each other, being human. It is so critical that we find each other again, that we make the time for each other to remember just how important real one-on-one communication is. We are, after all, people...just say it!

Editor’s Note: Cheryl highlights an important point here. “Lost inflection and tone can create issues, not to mention the lost facial expressions and body language...” I remember having to address a similar subject with employees on my staff, as a retail manager. In particular, with a young pharmacist, fresh out of school. He had a persistent habit of irritating customers with an arrogant, condescending tone of speaking. I once admonished him to consider that “Although your message is impeccable, the manner in which you deliver it is flawed.” Predictably, he was wide-eyed and befuddled by my observation. Only when his career with the company fell into jeopardy did he fully ponder the value of my advice. Using text to communicate may flip that truism. Without the soft edges and nuances of personal communication, a line of words might project a cold and impersonal sentiment not intended by the sender. Moods often fail to make the electronic journey in a message. Pauses for breath and consideration, a humble posture, sweeping gestures indicating familial vibes… all may lose a seat when thoughts are carried on an e-platform. This is a subject worthy of reflection.

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want…”

c. 2018 Cheryl Kelly

All rights reserved

(9-18)

Life can be unbelievably cruel. It will give you the most incredible highs one moment and then in the blink of an eye, turn around and pull the rug right out from underneath your feet leaving you with the most bitter pain and suffering. Suffering that makes you actually contemplate if death wouldn’t be more bearable. It can give you triumphs that raise you to the highest elevations one day, and the next bring you crashing down into emotional devastation all the while leaving you wondering what just happened. It is this very uncertainty that makes life a challenge...that makes life worth figuring out how to navigate the ups and downs; how to take those highs and learn how to reign them in and capitalize on them and take those lows and learn from them to make them worth all the pain involved.

There are all kinds of advice out there meant to help you try to reason through life’s ups and downs… “when one door closes, another opens”… “things happen for a reason”… “you can’t grasp new things if your hands are full of yesterday’s baggage”. The point being that in life, nothing is certain, and just when you think you have it figured out, the rules change, and you are thrust right back to where you started, or worse, back even further. It never fails, the minute you think you have a handle on things, life reminds you just how naive you truly are as a human being...as if to pat you on the head and say, “silly human, don’t you know by now I’m in control?”. The tough part is learning the art of acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that you aren’t in control, and never will be. But, don’t despair!

You might be thinking, if you cannot control the things in your life, then how do you function, how do you survive, and succeed? I like to equate it to business. It’s all in your management skills. Learning to prioritize, delegate and, at times, when to walk away from a deal or partnership that isn’t efficient or effective. I know, easier said than done, but, if you can take something as complicated as life and break it down a bit, sometimes, you can find a new perspective.

Take relationships for example. You cannot control other people, and you surely cannot control emotions and feelings – they are what they are...but, you can try to manage your responses and your actions. What is difficult is recognizing where to focus your attention, when to know you need help, when to see that things are not moving in the right direction for you or the outcome is clearly not going to be in your best interest, and lastly, when to accept that it’s time to throw in the proverbial towel and move on. No one likes to fail, but at times, failing is inevitable. Especially when you come to the realization that you have nothing left to give, no more strategies left to try.

You can’t always get what you want, and that’s a reality that’s hard to accept at times. That lack of control breeds a feeling of complete chaos and it can be brutal. As a control freak myself, I can say, I’ve been there and it ain’t fun… It can easily send you spiraling down the path of no progress, or worse, down the completely wrong path, and before you know it, you have wasted years trying to make something work that you should have abandoned a long time ago. And those years, you can’t get back. Life, unfortunately, does not give many do-overs.

In the end, life dictates your successes and your failures. Some of those outcomes you can control, and others you can’t. Life would be easy if we knew those outcomes ahead of time so we could direct our actions accordingly, but what fun would that be? All you can hope for is that you can look back one day, sleep soundly at night knowing that your efforts were not wasted. That you made the right decisions for yourself at the right moments, and if you didn’t, you learned from that and you moved forward without regret. I know, it’s a tall order…

Editor’s Note: I like your analogy to business negotiations. As a Libertarian, I have sometimes observed that marriage (or any committed relationship) is basically a business partnership agreed upon by consenting adults. Adding religious or romantic overtones certainly gives it extra glamour, but in real terms, it is a deal between willing parties. As you observe, those can sometimes go bad, or prove to be unproductive. I once had an older friend who said he looked at a potential mate not only in terms of love but also by comparing assets in the relationship. (Personality, life managing skills, etc.) I used to think that was harsh, but reading your column makes me think you have grasped this concept where I failed to learn quickly. Cheers to you, my friend!