Mary’s Message - Volume 1

by Mary Malloy Bramstedt

(2-19)

Editor’s Note – After a period of being disconnected from my notable friend, Mary reappeared thanks to a new cell phone and members of the community who passed along her number. I welcomed this opportunity to correspond with her and suggested she compose new material for this newspaper. What follows here is the result:

The 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month is an historic time for all members of the public who pause near the steps of our great Geauga County Court House to hear the patriotic words of veterans who have been presented medals of honor for their heroic deeds defending our country in times of war. Their allegiance to God and country makes us all proud to be Americans.

And so it was on November 11, 2019 when I was privileged to listen to the speech of Lt. Col. Allen Bernard West, who served 26 years in the Army and was a US Congressman from Florida. He was the distinguished military hero whom I spoke to about my Dad's service. I spoke to the distinguished man afterward and told him I was proud to be there as we prepared to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the end of WW 1. As a daughter of WW 1. I was honored to tell tell him of my dad's

service in the gas division of the "war to end all wars."

My dad was James Trant "Pat" Malloy (b 1895--d 1967). He married for the first

and only time to my mother when he was 49 and she was 24! After his military

service ended he graduated from the Wharton School of Business at the U. of

Pennsylvania, he traveled around the world and spoke five languages including

Arabic and Yiddish since he worked in the Middle East as well as Europe. I am

glad he returned home to Williamsport, PA to meet and marry my mom. We had a

wonderful life and he was a youthful 64 when my baby brother Mike was born. My

brother Pat and I were only in our teens and Mike was only eight when he went to

be with Our Lord and we have missed him dearly ever since.

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Maple Syrup Capitol

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Geauga County Courthouse

Old Chardon High School

Barr's Skating Rink

“Put Your Purse Down Sally!”

c. 2018 Cheryl Kelly

All rights reserved

(12-18)

Okay, so life has it’s way of throwing some curve balls. If you’re lucky, your dodging abilities are on point, but most of us, who hated dodge ball in elementary school, never quite grasped those skills and have ended up taking those hits to the face time and time again. There does come a point, however, in one’s life when you turn that corner and pick up the ball and throw it right back. It’s a skill that I believe does come with age and with wisdom, for lack of a better way to put it. That point you reach in your life where you put your purse down and wail away.

Like everything, this isn’t the case for everyone, as everyone does handle life and the challenges it dishes out differently, but I do think that as we get older, our perspective changes. It is no longer acceptable to be unhappy, or to waste time in an unhappy situation. It is no longer okay to put yourself last always, to settle for less than you deserve. Now I realize that this sounds a bit selfish, and perhaps that’s true. But who said that being selfish has to always have a negative connotation to it? What is so wrong with looking out for yourself?

Now I’m not saying to swing the pendulum clear in other direction, where you mistreat others for your own personal gain. I’m talking about making time for yourself, making yourself a priority, and allowing yourself to demand more; not only more from yourself, but also more from others who you let into your life. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to have those expectations? Are we just setting ourselves up for more failure and hits to the face?

I don’t think so...I like to think that the more we demand from ourselves and those we love and care about, the more we grow and the closer we get to real happiness. If we have no expectations of ourselves or others, than the same old behaviors and actions that at times were not working, just continue to be acceptable...and we end up stuck in a rut, losing precious time. And if life has taught us anything as humans over and over again, it’s that the time you think you have, does not exist. Anything can happen at any moment that changes your life in an instant.

The next challenge is to decide how to begin...how to begin looking at things differently, how to begin to put steps in place to change the way you handle yourself and others, and to just stop being okay with less than you deserve. It’s important to be honest with yourself enough to know when you’re missing something and are unhappy with someone or something in your life. And then the challenge is to communicate to those around you letting them know what you need, how you feel and what you want. Lastly, you need to be prepared to let go, accept change, and know that change is difficult and takes time to adjust.

It’s a daunting task to evaluate your life, and even more intimidating to know that there are things that need to change if you’re going to grow. As you get older, I believe that task does get easier if for no other reason than you have learned over the years after taking those hits over and over; that life is short, and even shorter to spend it unhappy and unfulfilled. It becomes time to stop settling for anything that does not bring a positive into your life; time to move yourself away from people who don’t meet you half way and put forth the same effort that you, yourself give.

So, put your purse down Sally and throw some punches back!

"Just Say It"

c. 2018 Cheryl Kelly

All rights reserved

(11-18)

Ever notice that we as a species, human beings that is, as intelligent as we are, struggle terribly with communication? You would think that for as advanced as we claim to be, we would have this thing called “talking” down by now. But, we don’t. More people have misunderstandings simply due to the fact that their message was not communicated effectively. In other words, what was in their minds prior to speaking, was completely different than what was actually voiced to the intended recipient.

I, of course, would be no exception to this rule. No matter how well thought out the conversation in my head is, no matter how carefully plotted, when it comes down to the delivery, it is, at times, sorely lacking. Why does this happen? How can something be so incredibly clear in one moment and then so utterly destroyed the next? What happens during translation?

I think for me it has to do with an inherent discomfort with confrontation. Fear of the unknown – how will my message be received; how will it be interpreted; what if it is misread; what if it isn’t understood the way it should be? Now of course, any logical person could see that there is no way to know how someone else is going to react to any particular message at any given time. But, then there’s me, who will attempt to prepare a response to every possible outcome in the hopes of dodging said potential confrontation. Yes, if you are wondering, it is exhausting!

Most “normal” people, however, speak their mind and deal with whatever is thrown at them accordingly. This is a skill that, even given my older age, I seem to have not been able to master. I think at times it serves me well, as there is a built in pause button. This enables me to not speak too quickly and keep the emotional responses under my thumb a bit. There are times though that it does not serve me at all. Those times I find myself responding much too late, losing whatever appropriate impact I wished to make and then struggling to make my point at a later time costing me the desired punch I wanted to land.

Nowadays, the communication gaps come via the written word more so than the spoken one. Conversations through text, instant message or other technological means create a whole other avenue for misunderstanding. People cannot express themselves accurately enough at times through the written word as they can verbally. Lost inflection and tone can create issues not to mention the lost facial expressions and body language that “speak” volumes. I cannot tell you how many times I have read a text or an email and took a meaning completely different from what was intended. That being said, we live in a world where communication is less and less face to face. Ever watch couples or families today out to eat, each with their phone in hand and not engaging one another, not even being present? It’s a sad commentary – the bad part is that people seem to be unaware of just how damaging this is. Losing that much needed human contact will have an impact down the line.

This growing communication gap opens up a whole other challenge, and that is word choice. Our current world is so centered around being fast-paced and efficient. No one has any time anymore. Everyone is so incredibly busy that even our written conversations are short and abbreviated. For those of you with teenagers, if you have ever read their messages to each other or their posts on social media, you know what I’m talking about...lol. And what gets lost yet again? Meaning...the message...the thought process. We have forgotten about the importance of being together, listening, feeling, enjoying each other, being human. It is so critical that we find each other again, that we make the time for each other to remember just how important real one-on-one communication is. We are, after all, people...just say it!

Editor’s Note: Cheryl highlights an important point here. “Lost inflection and tone can create issues, not to mention the lost facial expressions and body language...” I remember having to address a similar subject with employees on my staff, as a retail manager. In particular, with a young pharmacist, fresh out of school. He had a persistent habit of irritating customers with an arrogant, condescending tone of speaking. I once admonished him to consider that “Although your message is impeccable, the manner in which you deliver it is flawed.” Predictably, he was wide-eyed and befuddled by my observation. Only when his career with the company fell into jeopardy did he fully ponder the value of my advice. Using text to communicate may flip that truism. Without the soft edges and nuances of personal communication, a line of words might project a cold and impersonal sentiment not intended by the sender. Moods often fail to make the electronic journey in a message. Pauses for breath and consideration, a humble posture, sweeping gestures indicating familial vibes… all may lose a seat when thoughts are carried on an e-platform. This is a subject worthy of reflection.

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want…”

c. 2018 Cheryl Kelly

All rights reserved

(9-18)

Life can be unbelievably cruel. It will give you the most incredible highs one moment and then in the blink of an eye, turn around and pull the rug right out from underneath your feet leaving you with the most bitter pain and suffering. Suffering that makes you actually contemplate if death wouldn’t be more bearable. It can give you triumphs that raise you to the highest elevations one day, and the next bring you crashing down into emotional devastation all the while leaving you wondering what just happened. It is this very uncertainty that makes life a challenge...that makes life worth figuring out how to navigate the ups and downs; how to take those highs and learn how to reign them in and capitalize on them and take those lows and learn from them to make them worth all the pain involved.

There are all kinds of advice out there meant to help you try to reason through life’s ups and downs… “when one door closes, another opens”… “things happen for a reason”… “you can’t grasp new things if your hands are full of yesterday’s baggage”. The point being that in life, nothing is certain, and just when you think you have it figured out, the rules change, and you are thrust right back to where you started, or worse, back even further. It never fails, the minute you think you have a handle on things, life reminds you just how naive you truly are as a human being...as if to pat you on the head and say, “silly human, don’t you know by now I’m in control?”. The tough part is learning the art of acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that you aren’t in control, and never will be. But, don’t despair!

You might be thinking, if you cannot control the things in your life, then how do you function, how do you survive, and succeed? I like to equate it to business. It’s all in your management skills. Learning to prioritize, delegate and, at times, when to walk away from a deal or partnership that isn’t efficient or effective. I know, easier said than done, but, if you can take something as complicated as life and break it down a bit, sometimes, you can find a new perspective.

Take relationships for example. You cannot control other people, and you surely cannot control emotions and feelings – they are what they are...but, you can try to manage your responses and your actions. What is difficult is recognizing where to focus your attention, when to know you need help, when to see that things are not moving in the right direction for you or the outcome is clearly not going to be in your best interest, and lastly, when to accept that it’s time to throw in the proverbial towel and move on. No one likes to fail, but at times, failing is inevitable. Especially when you come to the realization that you have nothing left to give, no more strategies left to try.

You can’t always get what you want, and that’s a reality that’s hard to accept at times. That lack of control breeds a feeling of complete chaos and it can be brutal. As a control freak myself, I can say, I’ve been there and it ain’t fun… It can easily send you spiraling down the path of no progress, or worse, down the completely wrong path, and before you know it, you have wasted years trying to make something work that you should have abandoned a long time ago. And those years, you can’t get back. Life, unfortunately, does not give many do-overs.

In the end, life dictates your successes and your failures. Some of those outcomes you can control, and others you can’t. Life would be easy if we knew those outcomes ahead of time so we could direct our actions accordingly, but what fun would that be? All you can hope for is that you can look back one day, sleep soundly at night knowing that your efforts were not wasted. That you made the right decisions for yourself at the right moments, and if you didn’t, you learned from that and you moved forward without regret. I know, it’s a tall order…

Editor’s Note: I like your analogy to business negotiations. As a Libertarian, I have sometimes observed that marriage (or any committed relationship) is basically a business partnership agreed upon by consenting adults. Adding religious or romantic overtones certainly gives it extra glamour, but in real terms, it is a deal between willing parties. As you observe, those can sometimes go bad, or prove to be unproductive. I once had an older friend who said he looked at a potential mate not only in terms of love but also by comparing assets in the relationship. (Personality, life managing skills, etc.) I used to think that was harsh, but reading your column makes me think you have grasped this concept where I failed to learn quickly. Cheers to you, my friend!

The Jeffersonian Democrat - Chardon, Ohio

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“Friend, Acquaintance...Or Other?”

c. 2018 Cheryl Kelly

All rights reserved

(6-18)

Throughout life, people come and people go. Some have longevity and hang for awhile, almost morphing into the family zone; others are here for only a short period of time, as if to serve some immediate purpose or need and then they are gone, never to return; and then there are those that flit in and out of your life jumping in here and there for undetermined amounts of time, and then they disappear, only to reappear a bit later to pick up right where they left off. It got me thinking about the people in my own life, and how I view those relationships. Are they friends, acquaintances, persons of interest…? What I have found, with myself, is that it comes down to how much I share of myself with them, not necessarily the amount of time I spend with them, that makes the determination for me.

Let’s start with the “other” category. These are the people that you see on a semi-regular basis. You may or may not remember their name, but there is something about them that draws your attention. It might be the way they smile, or the way they treat others, or the way they hold themselves at a gathering. They could be a coworker that perhaps you only see when you go to the cafeteria for a soda, or see at a company function. They could be someone you see regularly at the grocery store that you have idle conversations with on occasion, or it could be the guy that works on your car when it needs an oil change or a new set of wiper blades. No matter who they are, they play a role. They are the “potential” friend or acquaintance if given enough time. They are someone that you think in your head, “there’s someone who’s nice...someone I’d like to have a cup of coffee with sometime...” or in my case, a beer.

Next we have the acquaintance. This is someone who you have decided is worth your time to get to know better. They have sparked enough interest for you and have the “right” qualities and are on their way to the friend zone, but have been sidelined for one reason or another. You have decided that they are worth extending yourself a bit more to explore the possibility of friendship. On the surface the relationship with an acquaintance resembles friendship, but it has limitations. This is someone you spend time with occasionally, however, this person is not someone you open up to, not someone who is your “go-to” in times of crisis, nor is this someone who has your full trust. Now this isn’t because they have done something wrong, or has been deemed by you to be untrustworthy; it’s simply someone who just doesn’t fit in the friend mold all the way, at least not just yet. I have many acquaintances and I spend time with all of them, and I would think that if you asked them, they would define our relationship as a friendship, but technically, it’s missing some key components for me; components that my friends have been able to zone in on.

Solid friendships are hard to come by, at least for me. Friends are those choice few people in your life who come to mind when you want to share. Whether it be good news about a new job or hot guy that started at work; bad news like those curve balls that life throws your way every once in awhile; or sad news about tragedies in your life or your newly broken heart. When those things hit you, you know exactly who you need to talk to. Before you can even begin to wrap your own head around it, you are already dialing his or her number because you want them to know or you need help – their help, their guidance, their thought process on how to handle it. It matters to you what they think and how they feel. Their advice and opinion is golden and it influences your thoughts and your reactions. Friends are those select few who you have entrusted with the most devastating, hurtful, and embarrassing moments in your life. They are also the ones with whom you have shared the most beautiful, loving and joyful moments.

People who have entered my friend zone are among the most cherished persons in my life. Outside of my family, they are in my thoughts constantly. Even though life has a way of interrupting our time together at times, we always seem to find each other again. They are understanding, caring, compassionate people who I trust with some of the most intimate facts of my life. And even though my numbers are few, I feel incredibly fortunate. They help get me through this thing called life, and I hope I do the same for them. I am privileged to know them, to share their time, and I happily call them “friend”.